hmm...

bad day bad day...well it started damn good.. but with my big mouth.. it ended badly...

did i not present myself well? did i joke too much? did i tell too many things about myself.. till im like boasting? did i did i...? so many things that might have went wrong...

i am not serious enough maybe? i am not smart enough maybe? i am not talkative enough maybe? i am not fun enough maybe? maybe maybe...

suan le.. yi ge ren jiu yi ge ren..be back myself..dun want to be fun..dun want to joke.. dun want to socialise... extreme? who cares? no one anyway

realisation sinks in

been especially introspective these days...haha.. tat statement is redundant to those who read my previous post..realised that im plagued by doubts always...but i dun tink they weaken me.. rather that doubts strengthen me...

well... recently something happened.. the connections kinda abstract.. but ya... the connections there...haha.. got back my results.. huge disappointment.. i can give several excuses..and of course reasons too...one reason being.. overconfidence.. somehow.. i get the illusion that im great in my studies...(somehow people get that impression too.. weird...) that minimal study time was enough... it was precisely that i had no doubts in my capability that i failed my expectations.. expectation based on false grounds...

examining my conduct for the last sem...i found much room for improvement...this last sem will not be repeated though.. haha.. when doubts set in.. my mind is tied into knots.. and these few days.. well.. the knots are pretty tight... not just because of my results.. but also because of several more personal reasons...

am i getting myself back on my feet? sure hope so...(see? doubts..haha) lenard can do well! but only if he keeps questioning himself! only if he keeps reviewing his actions! a chinese saying: a proud soldier will fall (jiao[1] bing[1] bi[4] bai[4]).. haha go figure...lenard had been the proud soldier for this first sem... a proud soldier he will be no more!

yea.. tats the academic part of my life so far.. the family part of my life is still a wreck...now im truly at a lost as to what to do!! i can see the prob.. but the people involved dun! aint proud of my fam at all.. haha.. not at all...

come to tink about it... do i have the right to bring anyone into this fam? seems so unfair to involve any other party in this wretched fam...haha....another thing...why is it that ppl are always surprised that i have fam probs?? am i That enigmatic?? haha o well... came into this life crying.. haha.. survive this life toiling... leave this life...haha no idea yet...

pessimistic thoughts? probably.... realistic...more likely...life truly has no meaning...dun want to sound pathetic but it would be nice to have someone with me eh? haha.. but its not right to do tat..

o well

these few days..

hmm.. these few days have been pretty introspective..again..haha.. what actually are we struggling everyday for?? why are we living?? from the day we arrive in this world.. haha..we are heading towards death.. many of us live through the days working..day after day...well some "enjoy" their lives more..yet at the end of the years we lie on somewhere...dying.. and what happens after that? do all the achievements in life count for anything? haha...does it matter? haha.. the difference between the big names in history and the everyday people is that we REMEMBER the big names...so is that all?? leaving behind memories of ourselves after we die?? haha...leaving behind memories...no matter that a person is cursed or mourned after his/her death... leaving memories aint that hard a thing to do, no?
well...personally..i rather people mourn me than to curse me..haha... and that my memories are spent with someone i love...haha someone... hmm.. it seems so impossible to find that someone..haha.. i tink i was quite happy when im antisocial lei... not bothering what others feel.. not feeling for anyone... just go through everyday by myself.. haha...but hor... who to mourn my memories? who to create those precious memories with? on the other hand.. is it worth the emotional drain lei...
of course i need to change something very fundamental about me...haha..thats treating the one i like ..... as if shes the most important person...people say im nice.. hahhaah.. thats just a nice way to say im soft bah..no opinions..not decisive... in my own defence, i dun like to impose my will on others..asking for ur opinion is because i respect u..so if people tinks im soft because of that..to hell with u all =)